So, I"m pretty upset with myself. I didn't make it to pilates this morning and was so tired last night that I fell asleep with all my clothes on without brushing my teeth or anything. I woke up actually exactly when class ended, and only because there was a ghettobird hovering over our apartment building. I thought the no-show fee for pilates was $15, but it's actually $25, which makes me really, really sad. My account hasn't been charged yet, but that's $40 I'm never going to get back.

It's not Matt's fault, but I went out to a scotch tasting with him on wednesday night, and though I wanted to go home at a reasonable time he kept me out until past 1 in the morning. Didn't end up falling asleep until 2AM. Thursday was a blur. I just can't run on no sleep. I don't know how to be. That, with my commute, pretty much wiped me out. There's another tasting tonight. Thank God it's Friday, but I still have Greek homework due tomorrow.

I guess it's my fault for not putting my foot down. For not being stronger. For being involved in too many things. I should have known because once he starts having fun he never wants to go home and why should he? It's not like he has anywhere to be the next day. But I did. And I do. And I know what I need to do to be a functioning human being, and that just can't happen when I stay out late during the week. Not with this 9-6 lifestyle and the amount of hours I'm clocking on the road. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to eat reasonably healthy. I know I need sleep. And I need to write to keep an even peace of mind. I just don't see the worth of going to bars during the week and getting shit-faced. It's a drain on my wallet and energy and it's not like I'm trying to pick up guys so what the hell is the point?

Maybe I just can't go out with him anymore as I don't have the heart to leave him places and he never, ever wants to leave bar settings. It's just...really frustrating. Because he'll lure me out by saying he'll get me home at a decent time, but then when it actually comes down to it he NEVER leaves at that time. Ever. And we end up staying out until who knows when. Which is fine, I suppose, if you didn't have anything ever planned or didn't want to use your mind the next day, but I need my mind in fully working order, so...

So.

So, maybe I just can't go out with him to a bar on the days when I know I need to be fully functioning the next day.

I'll admit, wednesday night was fun, it was great talking to new people, but if I'm ever going to change my reality I can't settle for just the status quo. I guess mostly I'm just mad at myself for not setting my alarm before falling asleep. I just remember playing mind games with myself. "I'm gonna close my eyes for exactly one minute and then I'm going to go into the living room and get my phone and set the alarm for five AM per usual..." But no dice. No more. I conked out.

Bah. And you know, because I'm making so much money being stressed at work that I can afford to just throw away $40 on a whim. Wee! Here! Take all my money!

Man. I'm just glad it's Friday. There's another free tasting tonight. I'm looking forward to not going to work tomorrow, but I still have to get up early. I want to go to Yoga. I find yoga much more beneficial than Johnny Walker.

I just feel so boring. And sad. How do I get out of feeling this way? =(

Usually my mood improves as soon as I'm back on the east side, so I guess I can look forward to that. Here's hoping.